Jeans Friday

T.G.I.J.F.

Thank Goodness Its Jeans Friday

Don't let the clever acronym fool you. Its intended to be sarcastic. I f---ing hate Jeans Friday more than I hate bicyclists. And trust me, that's a lot.

What is Jeans Friday you ask? If you don't know, consider yourself lucky. Jeans Friday is, as you may have surmised, a day in the office (that's right smart guy, Friday) where people get to wear jeans to work. In my job we need to keep track of our time to accurately bill clients. If we get all of our time in by a certain date, we get "rewarded" by being able to wear jeans to the office on Fridays.

Thursdays are usually good days. The workweek is almost over, the O.C. is coming on in a few hours, and I can start dreaming of what I will be doing over the weekend. Then it comes. Every Thursday afternoon, without fail, I get an email message from our office coordinator. As I read the headline each week my mood quickly sinks:

"All time entry is in, feel free to wear your jeans tomorrow!!"

The tone in the email is always one of excitement. However, I can assure you I am far from excited.

I know what you're thinking: What could be so bad about wearing jeans on Friday? Or, I think I would like to wear jeans to work, I don't know why you're complaining.

Well, I'll tell you why. First of all, this is WORK we are talking about here, not some bar or nightclub. That is relevant for a few reasons. One, its not like I am going to wear a trendy pair of jeans, spike my hair, wear a striped button down, put on some sunglasses and put a strobe light in my office. No, I am an attorney and the people I work with are attorneys and they wear normal-guy jeans. The type they sold at the Gap back in 94. I don't own many pairs of jeans of this quality, and the ones I do own don't fit very well. Thus, everyone in the office knows EXACTLY where my wallet is, where my cell phone is, and what the outline of my penis looks like draped in denim.

This is further complicated by the fact that this is a work environment, so its not like I can wear an untucked shirt. Nope. I have to tuck. And you know it. Tucking shirts into jeans only works if you are from the South or if you are Dan Viscione. I am neither, although I wish I was the latter.

I know what you're asking yourself: Well, Schrein-bot, why don't you just go out and buy a new pair of normal-guy jeans? If it were only that simple! I have tried, unsuccessfully, to buy a new pair of old-type jeans. First of all, I don't know where to look for these sort of jeans. Even the Gap has more faded jeans these days. What, should I shop for jeans at Target? Old Navy? Seriously, shut the f--- up. Second, I am incredibly stubborn and refuse to buy jeans strictly for Jeans Friday. How could I contribute my money towards the furtherance of the atrocity that is Jeans Friday? That would be like funding terrorism!!

So now you're thinking: Okay, Schrein-bot, why don't you simply wear other pants that you own that aren't jeans or wear what you would on a regular workday? Well now you are on to something. I have had that idea and have tried it many times. The problem is that I get the third degree from everyone!

"Where are your jeans?" they ask. I have replied with many different answers, such as:

"Oh, I guess I forgot it was jeans Friday," or

"Yeah, my jeans are in the wash," or

"I don't like to wear jeans, they only slow me down"

The problem is that these Jeans-Fridays add up. We're talking 4 or 5 a month. If you have too many excuses people start to ask more questions. I feel like I am covering up some terrible crime.

The second reason why I hate jeans Friday has nothing to do with me, it has to do with everyone else in the office. I work with people of all ages, meaning I work with old people. Old people CANNOT look good in jeans. This is because (a) they are old; when you get older, well, you generally don't get better looking and (b) my jeans-Friday-jeans probably date back to around the early 2000s while some people in my office have not purchased a new pair of jeans since the Carter administration. Even if they had, have you ever seen an old person trying to wear stylish jeans to fit in? Its pathetic. Well, pathetic and hilarious.

Thus I am forced to look at people in my office wearing stupid jeans. Partners worth millions of dollars who I am supposed to look up to in many ways, look almost foolish. Trust me, its not a good thing.

Those of you who are perhaps a little bit conniving might be asking yourself: Why not just "accidentally" forget to enter your time on time. That way there would be no Jeans Friday.

Again, I like the way you think. However, I don't think that I can do that. First off, people here LOVE Jeans Friday. Its like a f---ing party or something. Since they have implemented the Jeans Friday rule, NO ONE in the entire office has been late on their time. I don't want to be the first. Second, even if I was to sabotage Jeans Friday this week, it will still come again next week. Its not like I can mess it up every week. Given the third degree I receive when I simply don't wear jeans, I can't even imagine what it will be like if I ruin Jeans Friday week in and week out. I seriously think I'd get fired.

So that's it. I'm f---ed. On Fridays when you are having a few martinis at lunch or perhaps a few cocktails at happy hour wearing a stylish new suit, pour a little over the side for the Schrein-bot, who is forever trapped in a world of

unfashionable,

skin tight

denim.

© 2006