The Lowest Form of Life on the Planet

The Lowest Form of Life on the Planet.

There are many beings existing on God's green earth.

There are creatures as large and magnificent as the blue whale

and as small and intricate as the ameoba.

Some forms of life contribute to the greater existence of other forms of life, such as plants, which convert sunlight, water, and carbon dioxide into energy, oxygen and water through photosynthesis

while others use their talents, be it physical prowess or cunning, to feed off of lower life forms.

There could be an endless debate as to what the greatest form of life is on this planet,

but that is not what this entry is about.

There is no debate, in my opinion, as to what the lowest form of life on the planet is.

What is it you ask?

A disease or a parasitic virus?Persuasive, but not quite.

Is it an annoying insect, like a mosquito or a cockroach?

Nope.

Well, is it something that lives a dull existence, like a natural sponge?

Not exactly.

I have decided that the lowest form of life on the planet is:



A guy in high school.

That may sound a little strange at first, but if you think about it you might agree. If you are a guy, have you recently looked at a picture of yourself when you were in high school? It's humbling, to say the least.

If you are a girl, have you looked at pictures of your friends or boyfriends when they were in high school?

Hey, if you don't have any old pictures, just pick up any old random yearbook and take a peek at the losers that reside within. It doesn't matter what era the yearbook is from, high school aged guys have sucked throughout eternity.

To better illustrate, a picture is worth a thousand words. Take a look at this guy:

No, that's not a picture of Craig in Ironton High School.

At least I don't think it is...

I don't know who this guy is but I'll bet he isn't in college and he looks a little old to be in middle school. He HAS to be in high school.

Now that I have your attention, let me further state why there is no lower life form than a guy in high school:

Let's start off with the obvious. High school aged guys have pimples, braces, and oftentimes overly large heads.

Put simply, they look like fools.

Second, high school aged guys participate in ridiculous activities. For example, I had many friends in high school that either participated in the homo-erotic sport that is wrestling

or attentively watch the glorified soap opera that is professional wrestling.

Most kids in high school haven't developped their own personal style yet, and as a result wear stupid clothes and have bad hair cuts.

Some of them wear clothes their parents buy for them, which oftentimes results in wearing a little too much L.L. Bean for anyone's good,

Yep, wardrobe straight out of a Land's End catalog.

Others attempt to dress themselves, which can result in tragedies such as the wardrobe of Bill Pangas, which for those who don't know him consisted of white leisure suits and other outfits worn exclusively by black men in the 1970s.

To clarify, Bill Pangas is white.

Still others are victims of the latest fashion trends, subjecting themselves to wearing such clothing as was popular in Revere High School in the mid 90s, overalls.

And yet others go for the punk rocker or goth look, and pierce the sh-- out of their face and get stupid tatoos.

I knew a guy who got a tatoo of a Chinese symbol that translated into "to get drunk" and thought it was cool.

At least that's what he thought it said. I'm guessing the tatoo artist probably inked a symbol that translated into something along the lines of "to kiss dudes"

and laughed.

Well, that's what I would have done, anyway.

Back to the subject, another reason that high school aged guys are the lowest form of life on the planet is that most of them are broke.

Not having money contributes to high school aged guys driving around in sh-- cars. Either the guys buy the sh-- cars themselves, or their parents say to them

"I drove around a sh-- car in high school, so you're going to drive around a sh-- car in high school, tough guy"

Being broke and driving a sh-- car makes the high school aged guy want money so he can upgrade his 1984 Mercury Couger hand me down to a sleek 1990 Honda Civic.

To get money, the high school aged guy has to get a job.

The problem is that the only jobs that high school aged guys can get are loser jobs, like being a fast food restaurant employee or a bus boy. Most of these loser jobs require some kind of ridiculous uniform, further emphasizing the jobs sh-ttiness.

Also, the typical high school aged guy can't really grow impressive facial hair.

Unfortunaly, that won't stop him from trying.

The Schrein-bot himself had one hell of a "goatee" in high school. There are quotes around "goatee" because there is no way that the ridiculous thing I had planted on my chin could be considered a goatee by any standard.

Out of sheer pride I refuse to post a picture of this but if you take a look through my own yearbook you will see a picture inserted by one Ben Dorner (part of the yearbook staff) of the Schrein-bot in which his "goatee" inadvertently becomes the focal point of the entire 12" by 16" page.

Of course, you can't really blame me, I was a guy in high school.

Is there anything worse in the entire universe than a high school aged guy's mustache?

I dare you to think of something worse!

It does not exist!

High school aged guys' mustaches are the worst thing in the history of the universe!!

Not surprisingly, most high school aged guys can't get any play.

Their high school aged girl counterparts won't give them the time of day because they are busy dating older guys.

A few of you may be asking yourselves:

Why are high school aged guys worse than high school aged girls?

Well, to put it loosely in the words of David Wooderson, Matthew McConaughey's character in Dazed and Confused:

That's what I love about these High School girls, man. I keep getting older, they stay the same age.

In other words, girls mature a lot faster than guys and a lot of high school aged girls are.....well....hot.

Yeah, that's right. I said it.

Okay, so why are high school aged guys worse than beer-drinking college frat boys or jean-short-wearing elementary or middle school aged guys?

Well, college frat guys actually are much higher on the food chain. Unlike their former high school aged selves, college guys crush a lot of @ss.

High school aged guys, as alluded to previously, don't get much play.

Whenever they are fortunate enough to get a little action, they typically have NO idea what they are doing.

If any guy in high school actually pleases a woman he's probably doing it by accident.

It's all guesswork.

Jean-short-wearing younger guys are given a little bit of a break because they are transitioning from being kids, when any and everything is acceptable.

Given that average high school aged guys have all of these negative attributes, you would think that they would be ashamed of their existence and try their best not to leave the house.

Unfortunately for all of us, that line of thinking could not be more mistaken. In fact, and this might be the exact point which makes them the lowest form of life on the planet,

high school aged guys actually believe that they are cool.

The one piece of unshakable evidence to support this proposition is none other than the infamous letterman's jacket.

Nothing screams "I'm a douchebag" quite like a letterman's jacket, what with its dual color scheme and shiny pins.

As if anyone cares that you can pole-vault.

Anyway, this blog will not let me post anymore pictures (this blog software is imperfect, to say the least) so I am going to cut this entry short, although the more I think about it the more I have to say on this topic. I should mention that this concept was a joint effort between myself and one Chris Raimondo.

I may have to continue this discussion in a follow up entry. Let me know if you have any comments or suggestions.

Until then, next time you see some high school aged guys with their pimples, braces, stupid haircuts on top of their overly large heads, empty pockets, obsession with professional and/or greco-roman wrestling, sh-- cars, pathetic facial hair, uniforms for their loser jobs and/or letterman's jackets, please pick up the closest, heaviest piece of garbage you can find and throw it at them or give them a solid kick in the shins. Tell them to get back inside or hang their heads in shame, for they are the lowest form of life on the planet.

© 2006 The Schrein-Bot