Nice shorts, pal

I think we all know that there is no lower form of life than a guy in high school, but there is another group of people who won't exactly be getting an invitation to my next birthday party:









bicyclists.

I don't know about you, but when I see a bicyclist pedalling along a street I immediately get an uncontrollable urge to drive up next to him and clock him with the door of my 96 Corolla, Knight Rider style.

Why is that you ask?

There are a lot of reasons. First of all, for some strange reason bicyclists think they have some sort of entitlement to be on the road, strutting along on their Schwinn bicycles with the pencil thin tires clogging up roads and intersections. Bicyclists cause their own private traffic jams and its almost as if they are proud of it.

Um, Schrein-bot, bicyclists do have a legal entitlement to use public roadways.

Details, details.

Deep down you know that you agree with me. It has happened to all of us. You are in your car, driving to work, you were late to begin with and now you are stuck in deadlock traffic. You have tried switching lanes to no end and you have finally decided that you are simply going to have to wait it out.

Then, while you are sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, you hear a little "chi-ching, chi-ching" of a bicycle's bell, and some little boner on a bicycle peddles right on by with a condescending smirk on his face.
Bicyclists also enjoy talking about their bicycle-riding adventures, as if anyone cares or could possibly relate.

Bicyclist #1: Man, I just biked 10 miles this morning.

Me: .....

(blank stare)

Okay.

Bicyclist #1: ..........

(blank stare)

Me: I mean, is that good? Or are you upset? I know that running 10 miles would be hard. Is biking ten miles hard? I have no idea what that means.

Bicyclist #2: Last summer I biked from New England to Michigan.

Me: Now what in the h--- would possess you to do that?

Bicyclist #2: Its all about freedom. I get a sense of freedom being out on the road on my bike.

Me: You want some freedom? I've got a crazy idea:

get the f--- out of my house.

Plenty of open space outside of these walls.

And let's not forget that the hero of every bicyclist is Lance Armstrong, who I'm about 99.9% sure I could kick the sh-- out of,

even if he is on EPO

And, of course, the main reason why I dislike bicyclists:

Their outfit.

Who dreamed up such a ridiculous ensemble?

Stupid helmets that make them look like aliens as described by people who have been"abducted"

Volley ball player sunglasses

and, last but certainly not least,

the root of all evil,

biker shorts.


News flash guy,

I

CAN

SEE

YOUR

PENIS

and despite what you apparently think when you strap those f---ers on in the morning, I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT.

How is it that we have let these people get away with this for so long?

I thought that exposing yourself in public was a crime.

Apparently not for the biker short wearing perverts.

And what is with all the neon yellow?

Is that the official color of bicycling or something?

I vote for changing the official color of bicycling to camoflauge

in the hopes that more bicyclists get run over.