Nice shorts, pal

I think we all know that there is no lower form of life than a guy in high school, but there is another group of people who won't exactly be getting an invitation to my next birthday party:









bicyclists.

I don't know about you, but when I see a bicyclist pedalling along a street I immediately get an uncontrollable urge to drive up next to him and clock him with the door of my 96 Corolla, Knight Rider style.

Why is that you ask?

There are a lot of reasons. First of all, for some strange reason bicyclists think they have some sort of entitlement to be on the road, strutting along on their Schwinn bicycles with the pencil thin tires clogging up roads and intersections. Bicyclists cause their own private traffic jams and its almost as if they are proud of it.

Um, Schrein-bot, bicyclists do have a legal entitlement to use public roadways.

Details, details.

Deep down you know that you agree with me. It has happened to all of us. You are in your car, driving to work, you were late to begin with and now you are stuck in deadlock traffic. You have tried switching lanes to no end and you have finally decided that you are simply going to have to wait it out.

Then, while you are sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, you hear a little "chi-ching, chi-ching" of a bicycle's bell, and some little boner on a bicycle peddles right on by with a condescending smirk on his face.
Bicyclists also enjoy talking about their bicycle-riding adventures, as if anyone cares or could possibly relate.

Bicyclist #1: Man, I just biked 10 miles this morning.

Me: .....

(blank stare)

Okay.

Bicyclist #1: ..........

(blank stare)

Me: I mean, is that good? Or are you upset? I know that running 10 miles would be hard. Is biking ten miles hard? I have no idea what that means.

Bicyclist #2: Last summer I biked from New England to Michigan.

Me: Now what in the h--- would possess you to do that?

Bicyclist #2: Its all about freedom. I get a sense of freedom being out on the road on my bike.

Me: You want some freedom? I've got a crazy idea:

get the f--- out of my house.

Plenty of open space outside of these walls.

And let's not forget that the hero of every bicyclist is Lance Armstrong, who I'm about 99.9% sure I could kick the sh-- out of,

even if he is on EPO

And, of course, the main reason why I dislike bicyclists:

Their outfit.

Who dreamed up such a ridiculous ensemble?

Stupid helmets that make them look like aliens as described by people who have been"abducted"

Volley ball player sunglasses

and, last but certainly not least,

the root of all evil,

biker shorts.


News flash guy,

I

CAN

SEE

YOUR

PENIS

and despite what you apparently think when you strap those f---ers on in the morning, I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT.

How is it that we have let these people get away with this for so long?

I thought that exposing yourself in public was a crime.

Apparently not for the biker short wearing perverts.

And what is with all the neon yellow?

Is that the official color of bicycling or something?

I vote for changing the official color of bicycling to camoflauge

in the hopes that more bicyclists get run over.

el Casa de Schrein-Bot

I don't speak spanish and I have no idea if what I typed is correct, but the point is that the Schrein-bot just bought himself a house.

Take a look:

Isn't the leaning speed limit sign a nice touch? It took me forever to negotiate that in the contract.

Anyway, its a 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath new construction brick home.

Brick entrance and wood front porch

Nice hardwood floors throughout the main floor.

Fireplace

Open floorplan

Granite countertops and stainless steel appliances in the kitchen

back deck

Nice wood finishes and crown molding.

Spacious second and third bedrooms with lots of sunlight and berber (sp?) carpet.

granite counters in upstairs bathrooms

Nice sized master bedroom
with a bubble ceiling

double sinks in the master bathroom, also with granite countertops

jacuzzi tub and stand up shower

and what did it for me in the end, the master opens up to its own private balcony.

The house is located in an area known as Old Fourth Ward, which is the neighborhood just south of Midtown and west of the Poncey-Highlands and Inman Park areas, all of which are very well established neighborhoods.

Here is the approximate location:

http://maps.google.com/?q=loc%3A+willoughby+way+at+ralph+mcgill+boulevard+atlanta+GA+US

Old Fourth Ward is transitional at the moment, thus it is still relatively affordable if you find the right place, but that is changing VERY quickly. Mainly because people, like my soon to be neighbor, are building castles like this two doors down from my new place.

The house is (theoretically) within walking distance to Two Urban Licks, Jake's Ice Cream, and Freedom Park. Minutes to Downtown (Georgia Dome, Georgia Aquarium, Underground, Turner Field), Midtown (Piedmont Park, Bars/Restaurants), Virginia Highlands (Bars/Restaurants), and Little Five Points (Bars/Restaurants/Hippies). Its also minutes to the expressway, so getting to Buckhead or the Airport is no problem.

Most importantly for me, its close to downtown, which is where I work. My commute should be 5-10 minutes, which is amazing for Atlanta.

The house also will be within walking distance to the proposed Beltline, which is a new public transportation system to be implemented in Atlanta within the next few years.

Unfortunately this place was not free.

Looks like I'll be rocking the 96 Corolla for a few more years!!




As if I wasn't going to anyway....

Jamaica

Hey mon, you're in Jamaica, it's no problem!

Last weekend the Dish and I took a little getaway to the land of Bob Marley, to get a little sunshine and some relaxation.

It was my first trip to Jamaica but let me say that I love the Jamaican way of thinking.

The answer to any and every question and the appropriate comment in any situation is:

"no problem"

For instance, growing and smoking ganja?

No problem.

Drinking Hummingbirds on the beach?

No problem.

Not going into work unless you feel like it?

No problem.

The thing is, this way of thinking doesn't really go over to well with the Schrein-bot when there actually IS a problem.

For instance, when they decided to cancel our flight and we had to leave a day later...

no problem?

Or when we were only allowed to book one dinner at our all inclusive resort despite being there for three days...

no problem?

Or when we requested fresh towels not once,

not twice,

but THREE times (once in person),

and somehow we STILL did not get new towels.....

no problem?

Sometimes I think that if the Jamaicans had a different attitude they wouldn't be living in shanties. Here are some pics I took of the houses people live in down there:

But hey, to them its.....

that's right....

no problem.

Also in Jamaica, you need a voucher for everything. That's pronounced "VOW-CHA" in Jamaicanese. You need to have a vowcha to get on the plane, you need a vowcha to get on the bus, you need to have a vowcha to check in at the hotel, and you even need a vowcha to get beach towels at the hotel.

Unfortunately, the "no problem" philosophy doesn't apply to non-Jamaicans. In other words, the Schrein-bot was unable to effectively use the "no problem" approach when he could not locate one of his vowchas.

"Sir, you need to have a vowcha to get a ride back to de airport"

"Well, that's the thing, we don't have a voucher, they didn't give us one at the airport. Can't you just check my credit card information?"

"But you need a vowcha"

"Um, like I said, we don't have a voucher; your people didn't give us one."

"You should have gotten a vowcha"

"Okay, so I don't have a voucher......

but we're in Jamaica, it's no problem."

".............

...............

Sir, you need a vowcha"

"This country sucks."

Anyway, overall we managed to have a great time despite the numerous problems we encountered with our guest services.

We stayed at the Sunset Jamaica Grand,

an all inclusive resort in Ocho Rios. It was listed on Hotwire.com as a four star resort. If I gave it two and a half stars I would be kidding myself. That place sucked. The staff was very unhelpful, the beach is in a bay so we didn't get the crystal clear water we were hoping for, and a cruise ship docked in our bay for one of the days we were there.

But, we did get to hang out by the beach

look at some palm trees

go parasailing

[pics to come once developped]

sit by the pool
drink frozen drinks

and eat all of the food we could handle.

Other than that, what happens in Jamaica stays in Jamaica.

Anyway, check back in a few weeks, I'm writing another column on another pet peeve of mine: bicyclists.

© 2006 The Schrein-bot